AACC Preconference Handouts

Grief

The "crazy" feelings of grief are actually a sane response to grief. The following examples are all symptoms of normal grief:

*distorted thinking patterns, "crazy" and/or irrational thoughts, fearful thoughts
*feelings of despair and hoplessness
*out of control or numbed emotions
*changes in perceptions (sight, taste, smell, etc.)
*increased irritability
*may want to talk a lot or not at all
*memory lags and mental "short-circuits"
*inability to concentrate
*obsessive focus on the loved one
*losing track of time
*increase or decrease of appetite and/or sexual desire
*difficulty falling or staying asleep
*dreams in which the deceased seems to visit the griever
*nightmares in which death themes are repeated
*physical illness like the flu, headaches or other maladies
*shattered beliefs about life, the world, and even God

Grief will take longer than you've ever imagined. It tends to intensify at three months, special dates and the one year annivesary.

Grief is a journey, a process and there is resolution. Hear the words of Scripture:

"I weep with grief; my heart is heavy with sorrow; encourage and cheer me with your words," Psalm 119:28, TLB

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted," Matthew 5:4

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds - curing their pains and their sorrows," Psalm 147:3, AMP

"I cried to the Lord in my suffering and he heard me, he set me free from all my fears," Psalm 34:6, NLT

"For You have delivered me from death, my eyes and tears, and my feet from stumbling and falling. I will walk before the Lord in the Land of the living," Psalm 116:8-9, AMP

Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well, I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow," Jeremiah 31:13

"'You will grieve but your grief will turn to joy,'" John 16:6

Helpful Phrases

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.
I know this is very painful for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss (inclusive, rather than pitying).
It's harder than most people think.
It's okay to be angry with God.
You must have been very close to him/her.
How can I be of help?
Let's spend some time together.
People really cared for him/her.
I'm praying for you.
You are not alone; I'm here to help you.
I know this must feel like a dream to you.
Tell me how you're feeling.
I know you will miss him/her.
She/he was very special to you.
I know you are feeling totally overwhelmed right now.
I'd give anything to be able to make it better for you, but I know I can't.
Most people who have gone through this react just as you are.
Tell me about (decedent's name) and your life with him/her.
When did you last see (decedent's name).

God Cliches

It was God's will.
God picks the most beautiful flowers first.
This will make your faith stronger.
God needs him/her more than you do.
Now you have an angel in heaven watching over you.
You can talk to her/him anytime you want. She/he hears you.
God relieved his/her pain.
It was actually a blessing because...
God has a reason for this.
Only the good die young.
God never gives us more than we can handle.

Unhealthy Expectations

You shouldn't feel/act this way.
Death happens. Get over it!
Be grateful that you still have your (can have) other children.
Aren't you lucky that at least...
You must be strong for your (other) children, spouse, etc.
You must get hold of yourself.
She/he's gone and you'll just have to make the best of it.
Don't take it so hard.
You'll get over this.
You're young...you'll find someone else.
So you think you'll get married again?
You must focus on your precious memories.
You can always find someone worse off than yourself.
It's time to buck up and get on with life.
Go back to work. It will distract you.
You have to keep busy.

Disempowering Statements

You don't need to know that.
What you don't know can't hurt you.
I can't tell you that.

Ignorance

Let's not talk about it.
She/he died because...
It must have been his/her time to go.
His/her death was for the best.
Things always work out for the best.
This will make you a better/stronger person.
He/she was really holding you back.
You're young enough to have more children.