Transparencies from seminars

"Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage." Sidney J. Harris

Intimacy

Emotional Intimacy - When you are emotionally intimate you "feel" close to one another. You feel emotionally supported and cared for by your mate. There is a sharing of hurts and joys and a sense that each of you is genuinely interested in the well-being of the other.

Social Intimacy - When you are socially intimate, you have many friends in common as opposed to socializing separately. Having time together with mutual friends is an important part of your shared activities.

Sexual Intimacy - True sexual intimacy involves more than the mere performance of the sex act. In truly intimate marriages, sexual expression is an essential part of the relationship. It is a communication vehicle and not just a duty. Genuine interest, satisfaction, ability to discuss sexual issues...these are characteristics of a sexually intimate relationship.

Intellectual Intimacy - Intellectual intimacy involves the sharing of ideas. In short, when you are intellectually intimate, you talk to each other. More than just superficial conversations about the weather, you seek input from your mate regarding issues of importance. You value your mate's opinion and want to share your own.

Recreational Intimacy - When you are recreationally intimate, you enjoy and share in many of the same "just for fun" activities. You have many similar interests.

Spiritual Intimacy - For you to be spiritually intimate, several criteria must be met:
A. You must share common or similar beliefs about God.
B. These beliefs must be important and significant to your lives.
C. You must honestly share where each one of you is in your own spiritual quest.
D. You pray together and read together.

Intimacy (derived from the Latin intimus, meaning inmost) involves a very personal relationship. It describes a special emotional closeness and involves understanding and being understood by another who is very special.

"An affectionate bond, the strands of which are composed of mutual caring, responsibility, trust, ope communication of feelings and sensations, as well as the non-defended interchange of information about significant emotional events." Marriage involves six people:

Husband, Wife, and two sets of parents

A person needs to become "unstuck" from the parents in a healthy way.

By having made peace with one parent, a person can be at peace with him/herself and thus be at peace with his/her marriage partner.

Many marry looking for their partner to fulfill what their parents did not.

At first we were concerned about meeting the "right one" to marry. Now we are learning how important it is to be the "right one" for someone else.

If you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right person or the wrong person is primarily up to you. (Source unknown)

What is Loss?

Here are some losses that we begin to encounter as children that have a counterpart in adult life.

Loss of a favorite toy
Dropping an ice cream cone in the dirt
Not receiving an anticipated gift
A friend starts playing with someone else
Parents decide to move away from the familiar neighborhood
A pet gets lost or dies
Divorce - Mom or Dad remarrying
Being promoted to an advanced class and leaving your friends behind
Having your friends promoted to an advanced class
Not making the Little League or Soccer team
Not getting an invitation to a birthday party
Not getting the favorite teacher of your sibling
A teacher leaving in the middle of the school year
A classmate dies
A grandparent dies
Gaining weight
Discovering you're adopted
Loss of innocence
Losing a library book
Catching the "Tooth Fairy" in the act

Biblical Insights for Understanding Grief

God grieves
The Father grieves over evil in Noah's day (Gen. 6:6)
The Son grieves over the death of Lazarus (John 11:35-38)
The Spirit grieves over believers' sin (Eph. 4:30)

God responds to our grief
Recording our tears (Ps. 56:8)
Sympathizing with our weakness (Heb. 4:15-16)
Eventually ending our griefs (Isa. 65:19; Rev. 21:4)

Grief measures the meaning of our attachments
Our attachment to friends (John 11:36)
Our attachment to family (Gen. 50:1)

Grief potentially interrupts life's routines
Leaving mourners with little appetite (2 Samuel 12:17)
Causing mourners to wish for death (2 Sam. 18:33)
Multiplying mourner's illness and death (1 Sam. 4:18-22)

Grief potentially persists over an extended period of time
For seven days (Gen. 50:10)
For thirty days (Num. 20:29)
For seventy days (Gen. 50:3)

Grief is potentially expressed in a variety of ways
Before a loss (Matt. 26:37-38)
By shock, numbness or denial (Mark 8:31-32)
In anger (Job 10:9)
Through bargaining (Isa. 38:1-22)
With depression 2 Sam. 12:16-18)
With acceptance Phil. 1:12, 21-24; 4:11-13)

Grief is potentially facilitated by various expressions

Through songs (2 Sam. 1:17-27)
Through poetry (Lam. 1-5)

Dear Friend (family, pastor, fellow workers...)

Recently I have suffered a devastating loss. I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.

I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time. I don't apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.

At times you may see me angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I'm not sure why. All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief. If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.

More than anything else I need your understanding and presence. You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don't know how to respond. Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.

If I tend to withdraw from you, please don't let me do that. I need you to reach out to me for several months.

Pray for me that I would come to see meaning in my loss someday and that I would know God's comfort and love. It does help to let me know that you are praying for me.

If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. And don't stop sharing if i begin to cry. It's all right, and any tears you express as we talk are all right too.

This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But I will survive and eventually recover. I cling to that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it. I know that I will not always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying. Your concern comforts me and is a gift which I will always be thankful.

The Eighteen Words

"I was wrong;"
"You were right;"
"I am sorry;"
"I forgive you;"
"Please forgive me;"
"I love you."

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?"

Border Collie: "Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."

Dachshund: "I can't reach the stupid lamp!"

Toy poodle: "I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."

Lab: "oh me, me.!!! Pleeeeze let me change the lightbulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?"

Cocker spaniel: "Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."

Australian shepherd: "First put all the lightbulbs in a little circle..."

Old English sheep dog: "Lightbulb? Lightbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?"